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I have been collecting quotes and one-liners since high school. Some are funny, some are totally random, some are inspiring and some make you think. I’ve kept them written in a Mead Composition book and will gradually be transferring them here. At some point, I’ll think about categorizing them.

  • I’m your huckleberry.
  • The opposite of war isn’t peace, it’s creation.
  • Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
  • If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • It’s my life, it’s now or never. I aint gonna live forever, I just want to live while I’m alive.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, try not to look astonished.
  • Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  • I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  • Okay, who stopped payment on my reality check?
  • Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear
  • Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone somewhere is happy.
  • My opinions have changed but not the fact that I am right.
  • Money isn’t everything but it’s up there with oxygen.
  • In 3 words I can sum everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on.
  • Live everyday as if it were your last, because one day it will be.
  • When a man marries his mistress, he leaves a vacancy in that position.
  • After taking every detour, getting lost and losing track so that even if I wanted I could not find my way back. After driving out the memory of the way things might have been, after I’d forgotten all about us, the song remembers when.
  • If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
  • I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.
  • Money isn’t everything but it’s sure way ahead of whatever is in 2nd place.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, you’re running about average.
  • Be Good! If you can’t be good, be careful.
  • Stop looking for Prince Charming…Cinderella already found him.
  • Think twice before hesitating.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • I am unique, just like everyone else.
  • Sex should be friendly. Otherwise, stick to mechanical toys. It’s more sanitary.
  • Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
  • It is not possible to ski through a revolving door.
  • Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you forget the question.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, deny ever trying at all.
  • Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • Right now I’m having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
  • If you can’t teach them, confuse them.
  • I’m not suffering from insanity. I’m enjoying every minute of it.
  • Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
  • Out of my mind, back in five minutes.
  • Smile, it makes people wonder what you’re up to.
  • Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
  • Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.
  • There are 2 major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and Unix. We don’t believe this is a coincidence.
  • Never judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes because then you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
  • By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect Hungry.
  • I like being a mess. It’s who I am.
  • Get busy living, or get busy dying.
  • When one door of happiness closes, another door opens but we often look so long at the closed door that we don’t see that has opened.
  • People demand the freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
  • Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity and I’m not sure about the former.
  • Some cause happiness whereever they go; others whenever they go.
  • Black holes are where God divided by zero.
  • The optimist claims we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it’s true.
  • You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can a kind world alone.
  • The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other guy die for his.
  • I still miss my ex, but my aim is getting better.
  • If you were a poor Aztec with no weapons and a bunch of Conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don’t think it would be a good idea to say “I swallowed it. So sue me.”
  • Some people come into our lives and quickly go.  Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never, ever the same.
  • You don’t marry the person you can live with. You marry the person you can’t live without.
  • If it’s not on fire then it’s a software problem.
  • Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars in the sky and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he’ll have to touch it.
  • Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is a good thing. Fleas are interested in dogs.
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